Tips from a Mom-Therapist on Managing Emotions When Your Child Starts School

As a therapist who works with moms and as a mom of my own new kindergartner, this late summer was increasingly focused on the complex emotions that accompany your child starting a new level in school.

For most moms, milestones of this kind come with a mix of emotions. Most moms feel a variety of common emotional responses, excitement, anxiety, sadness, pride and even guilt can all ebb and flow - and sometimes occur at all once. This experience makes sense - a child heading off to a new level of school is a child growing up and a way from their mother. This prospect is at once exciting, awe-inspiring, sad, terrifying, and some times even a bit of relief (that’s where the guilt comes in for many moms).

So what do we as moms do? There is no one size fits all answer, but my years of experience as therapist have given me some insight into techniques that may help many moms navigate this stage of their parenting journey.

1. Validate Your Emotions:

Recognize that it’s normal to feel a mix of emotions. This is exciting, and this is hard. This is happy, and this is sad. The anxiety makes sense - one of the most precious people to you is increasingly out of your direct oversight. Of course you’re feeling nervous about that! The importance of self-compassion during this transition cannot be overstated. I often encourage my clients to try to think of their situations as if they were talking to a friend going through something similar. What would you say? Would you tell them their emotions were too big or too small, or would you validate them, listen to them, champion them on, and then help them find a way through? Most of us would try to be the second type of friend. This is a moment in life when it helps to be that for yourself.

2. Practice Mindfulness

Practicing mindfulness techniques can help you to stay present and manage overwhelming emotions. One simple mindfulness practice I like to teach clients is to simply notice and name (this is sometimes cutely referred to as “Name It to Tame It”. When you notice you’re feeling distressed, try to identify what emotion you are feeling specifically. Then try to identify where in your body you are feeling that emotion. Finally, ask yourself why you are feeling that emotion. What thought or thoughts are causing you to feel that emotion? For example, if you are feeling sad about your child going to school you might notice that you are feeling sad, notice that you are feeling a pit in your stomach, and then identify that your are feeling that way because you are going to miss special time at home with your child. Finally, you simply name it. “I am feeling sad. I can feel that in the pit of my stomach. I am feeling that way because I am really going to miss my child.” This practice creates a psychological distance that can decrease the intensity of the emotion you are feeling. It also allows for the opportunity for you to practice self-compassion (“Yes, it’s okay to be sad, this is sad,” and the opportunity to explore and challenge, reframe, or refocus distressing though patterns “Yes, this is sad, and it’s okay to feel sad, but there are also reasons this is a happy occasion, too”.

3. Stay Connected with Your Child

Creating special moments or rituals before and after school can help reduce separation anxiety for both mom and child. Think about the things that make you feel most connected to your child, and try to incorporate those elements into each day. In this season of life, the focus shifts to quality of interactions versus quantity. You and your child can continue to maintain your strong bond even if you spend less time together.

4. Seek Support if Needed

Remember: It’s okay to seek support from other moms, friends, or a therapist. You’re not alone. As a mom therapist, I can share that I hear many moms talk about these concerns, and I can also disclose that I feel them myself. Being a mom is hard. Holding your children, their emotions, and your own emotions is also hard.  Talking about these emotions with others who understand can have many benefits. You aren’t alone, and you don’t have to walk this path alone. The journey is better with a friend or a therapist (and maybe a good cup of coffee)!

In conclusion, this transition is a significant milestone for both mom and child. Embrace your feelings and be gentle with yourself. As the child grows, so does the mother (corny, but true).