Navigating the Decision to Return to Work After Having a Baby: A Compassionate Guide for New Moms
Becoming a mother is a transformative experience filled with joy, love, and often, a considerable amount of uncertainty. One of the most significant decisions new moms face is whether to return to work or stay home after the birth of their child. This decision is deeply personal and can bring with it a variety of emotions, concerns, and considerations. Whether you are drawn to continue your professional journey or feel called to stay home with your baby, both choices can impact your mental health. Understanding the common thoughts new moms grapple with and having tools to navigate this decision can empower you to make the choice that feels best for you and your family.
The Internal Dialogue: Common Thoughts New Moms Face
The decision to return to work or stay home often triggers an avalanche of thoughts and feelings. Many new moms find themselves questioning their ability to balance work and motherhood, fearing they might miss crucial moments in their baby’s life if they return to work. Others worry about losing their professional identity or the financial implications of staying home.
A study by Johnston and Swanson (2006) highlights that new mothers often feel torn between their desire for professional fulfillment and the need to nurture their child. This internal conflict can lead to feelings of guilt, no matter the choice they make. On one hand, moms who return to work might worry about missing milestones or fear that their bond with their baby could weaken. On the other hand, those who stay home might struggle with a loss of personal identity or professional achievements.
The Impact on Mental Health: Working vs. Staying Home
Both returning to work and choosing to stay home can have significant impacts on a new mom's mental health. Returning to work can provide a sense of normalcy, routine, and a continuation of pre-baby identity. It can also offer social interactions and a break from the often isolating early days of motherhood. However, working moms may also experience increased stress due to the demands of balancing work and family life, and they might struggle with feelings of guilt or sadness when leaving their baby in someone else’s care (Cooklin, Rowe, & Fisher, 2012).
On the other hand, staying home can allow for a deep bond with the baby and provide the comfort of being present for all early experiences. However, stay-at-home moms may experience isolation, a loss of identity, or feelings of inadequacy if they perceive themselves as not contributing financially or professionally. Studies have shown that stay-at-home mothers can be at higher risk for depression, particularly if they had strong career ambitions prior to motherhood (Milkie, Kendig, Nomaguchi, & Denny, 2010).
Tools to Help You Decide
Making the decision to return to work or stay home requires thoughtful consideration of your unique situation, values, and mental health. Here are some tools and strategies that might help:
Reflect on Your Values and Preferences: Take some time to consider your options, and how those options align with your values and personal preferences. In an ideal world, do you imagine working while your baby is safe with a trusted caregiver, or do you long to spend your days with your infant? Perhaps you crave a bit of both? Many women find great fulfillment in their careers, contribute positively to society through their roles, and find they “mother better” when they continue to honor their own unique passions and contributions. Other women are less interested in their careers, and find great fulfillment spending the majority of their time one on one with their children. Still other women find an ideal somewhere in the middle. All choices are valid, and understanding your core values and preferences, even if they aren’t pratical, can guide your decision.
Consider Your Barriers: Once you have identified what your ideal work-parenting balance is, you can begin to explore what, if any, barriers prevent you from actualizing your ideal. Are there practical barriers, such as financial concerns or childcare concerns? Are there internal barriers, such as the way you think and feel about your ideal? (IE, feeling guilt because you want to return to work, or feeling anxious about anyone else watching your baby). Write these down, and then consider what would help you overcome these barriers. Are there solutions? Do you need more information to decide? If you can’t overcome your barriers, are there ways you can approximate your ideal?
Discuss with Your Partner: If you have a partner, involve them in the decision-making process. Discuss your feelings, concerns, and the practical implications of each choice. Share your ideal and the barriers you’ve identified, and ask them to consider their ideal as well. Work together to come up with a shared vision for your family, and problem solve any barriers together. This can help ensure that both of you are on the same page and that the decision supports your family as a whole.
Consider a Gradual Return: If you are unsure about returning to work full-time, explore options like part-time work, remote work, or a phased return. This can help ease the transition and allow you to assess how you feel about balancing work and motherhood.
Seek Professional Support: Engaging in therapy with a perinatal therapist can provide a safe space to explore your thoughts, feelings, and concerns. A therapist can help you process any guilt, anxiety, or fear you might have and support you in making a decision that feels right for you.
Acknowledge Your Privilege: It’s important to recognize that the ability to choose whether to return to work or stay home is a privilege that not all mothers have. Economic necessity, lack of parental leave, and societal pressures can all force women back to work sooner than they might wish. This can add additional stress and feelings of resentment or sadness.
When There’s No Choice: Coping Strategies for Moms Who Must Return to Work
For many women, returning to work is not a choice but a necessity. If you find yourself in this position, it’s important to acknowledge the difficulty of the situation and to be kind to yourself. Here are some coping strategies:
Focus on Quality Time: Make the most of the time you have with your baby by being fully present. Establishing routines and rituals, like bedtime stories or weekend outings, can strengthen your bond.
Build a Support Network: Surround yourself with other working moms who understand your challenges. Sharing experiences and support can make the transition easier.
Practice Self-Compassion: Remind yourself that you are doing your best in a difficult situation. It’s okay to have mixed feelings about returning to work, and it’s important to give yourself grace as you navigate this new chapter. Rest in the knowledge that moms who work are able to have as strong of bonds with their children as moms who stay home.
Engage in Therapy: A perinatal therapist can help you process any feelings of frustration, guilt, or sadness that arise from returning to work out of necessity. Therapy can also help you develop coping strategies to manage stress and maintain your mental well-being.
Final Thoughts
The decision to return to work or stay home after having a baby is deeply personal and complex. Whatever choice you make, it’s important to prioritize your mental health and to seek support if needed. Engaging with a perinatal therapist can provide valuable insights and coping strategies as you navigate this journey. Remember, there is no right or wrong choice—only the one that is right for you and your family.
If you find yourself struggling with this decision or feeling overwhelmed, consider reaching out to a therapist who specializes in perinatal mental health. They can offer compassionate guidance and support as you explore your concerns more deeply.
References
Cooklin, A. R., Rowe, H. J., & Fisher, J. R. W. (2012). Paid parental leave supports breastfeeding and mother-infant relationship and is associated with lower postpartum depression: A prospective cohort study. Australian and New Zealand Journal of Public Health, 36(3), 249-258. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1753-6405.2012.00848.x
Johnston, D. D., & Swanson, D. H. (2006). Constructing the “good mother”: The experience of mothering ideologies by work status. Sex Roles, 54(7-8), 509-519. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11199-006-9021-3
Milkie, M. A., Kendig, S. M., Nomaguchi, K. M., & Denny, K. E. (2010). Time with children, children's well-being, and work-family balance among employed parents. Journal of Marriage and Family, 72(5), 1329-1343. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2010.00768.x